The world is crazier than most people know. But I know. I was a clinical social worker for forty years. I am a witness. I retired from social work to write about the sad, the mad, and the savage; with whom I have spent most of my life. I have decided to translate these stories into fiction, because, as a co-worker once said, "You couldn't make this sh*t up. No one would believe you."

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A BOOMER RESPONSE TO GAS PRICES


I heard a truly upsetting fact yesterday: there is no shortage of oil. Apparently the Russians have drilled through polar ice to a depth of forty thousand feet and discovered abiotic oil. That’s right, oil that is not a breakdown of organic waste, but is somehow formed out of rock or whatever, and can still power cars and hair dryers. Some say that’s what BP was trying to find in the Gulf, too bad the idiots did it in the ocean.

But the oil cartels are just like the diamond people. Hold it back and jack up the prices.  Okay, you’re on. Baby boomers have always stood up to the powers that be. Here it is: I have decided the world should run on shit.

Shit, the most plentiful substance in the world, can be turned into methane gas, and methane gas can run anything. If you’re worried about the smell, don’t stick your nose in the fuel tank.

Imagine: farmers will PAY YOU to haul off their manure, which you then turn into fuel. Your septic tank, once the pariah of your homestead, now becomes a temple. When you emerge from the bathroom after a satisfying episode, everyone in the family gives you a round of applause. If the dog has an accident in the house, you give him extra treats. Shit, formerly a less than glorious substance, now becomes brown gold. When someone calls you a shithead, you thank him.

And if you happen to run out of gas, no worries, just back up to the tank and let ‘er rip!

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