Says Jane of the Jungle: "You'd better laugh or you'll croak too soon. Stay on the upside of the downside: don't be in a hurry to get old. Have adventures, behave badly, don't give a fart or a hurrah what the world thinks of you, and slide over the finish line with a sh*t eating grin."

Saturday, January 15, 2011

On Selling Ice to Eskimos, or... .....I'm Gonna Sell My Panties To Themselves

The writer's nightmare: MARKETING.

Oh yeah, baby, those marketing monsters are gonna get ya. Because you're a writer, not a sales genius, and they know it. They will invade your sleep, wrack your comatose body with snores and farts and sleep apnea; they will invade your waking thoughts, whispering, "Failure, suck-ah, failure...and it's all your fault." They will rip your poor heart, making it sing a dirge when it has better things to do.

You see, marketing is the name of the game for new writers who are not internationally known criminals. I'm just a writer with a novel...HAH!...who cares? The marketers say, "I got a guy that cut his wife's head off and ate it" or "I got a male prostitute who describes giving (X celebrity) a blow job in 94 screamingly detailed pages" or "I got a cult of smelly weirdos who build bombs and eat Republican children".....you get the point. Either a book arrives already marketed by the sensationalism that spawned it....or you're just plain scr*wed..

So, what about the writers who just write? Where would Shakespeare fit in today? Romeo and Juliet? "What kinda pansies you writing about kid?" Hamlet? ("What a pussy!") Richard III? ("Oh for Christ's sake, do whatcha have to do, ok?") The Merchant of Venice ("Well, he was just a Jew, so what?")

What would Bill have to do to sell a play nowadays? I shudder to think. But to sell my book, I will have to do everything from forcing reviewers at gunpoint to praise me, to printing the first page on the soles of my shoes and walking across America. (Wanna read more? Go to http//www.amazon.com....)

But you know what?
I'll do it. Why? Because I am so sick to death of books being written about or for people who are not writers, of monkey brain sensationalism, of success being measured by sales....that I will go out there in my marketer's disguise, dispel the demons, and sell as many books as I can. Maybe, if my efforts pay off a little bit, I will get picked up by a traditional publisher who will have the bucks to pull of a real promotion.

I don't mind marketing, really. Let's face it, it beats cleaning latrines, eating dirt sandwiches, smothering babies, and voting Republican. I can do this. You betcha.

6 comments:

  1. Hang in there, Janey! Publishing must be an infuriating business, but you've got plenty of spirit.

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  2. Thanks, NP, all encouragement is gratefully accepted!

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  3. Of course you are going to publish -------- or I'll have to kill you, which makes publishing a moot point. The only difference between you and another starving writer is lack of confidence in how good you are as a writer. Trust me; I know, I came from the same family....OY !

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  4. Wow! You got my attention! Great article. :)

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