The world is crazier than most people know. But I know. I was a clinical social worker for forty years. I am a witness. I retired from social work to write about the sad, the mad, and the savage; with whom I have spent most of my life. I have decided to translate these stories into fiction, because, as a co-worker once said, "You couldn't make this sh*t up. No one would believe you."

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Seniors of the Future...(heh heh)

Chew on this: seventy-five year old woman. Or this: 75 year old man. What comes to mind?

Old bag. Old fart. Right? Well...

Here's one seventy five year old woman:  I can dig it: she's o-o-o-ld, frail, wrinkled, sagged, fogged; she farts in public and you can steal her purse like taking candy from a baby. Poor thing.

Here's one 78 year old man:  Yeah, he's older than dirt, his muscles are like tissue paper, if it wasn't for his walker he'd be a Cleanup on Aisle 3, he farts in public, and you could knock him over with a feather. Poor thing.

FUTURE CHANGES: Ready? ....check it out:

Here's another 75 year old woman:  Oh yeah, it's true. She goes to the gym 5 days a week because she can (retirement - yes!!), maybe she had a facelift who cares, she swims like a dolphin and doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks. When she farts in public it's a silent but deadly job from the beer she drank last night and the only way you know it was her is by her wicked smile.

And here's another 75 year old man:
He goes to the gym too, just to get his ya ya's out. He hikes and climbs the mountain trail faster than his dogs, who have come to hate him. He can bench 300 and farts when he squats 400, with a wicked smile on his face. He drinks beer for breakfast and eats steak for lunch and doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks.

So, here's the question: which is the old fart or fartette of the future?

If we're all going to live a l-o-o-o-ng time...I vote for Option 2. For one thing, I can relate. I'm sixty-five, yet:
  • I can bench 110 and leg press 260
  • and run a 10 minute mile
  • just because I like to, and besides it feeds my head
  • I drink like a sailor and swear like a trooper
  • because I don't give a damn what anyone thinks
  • and as for my farts....
  • use your imagination.
The FUTURE: whaddaya think? Maybe some....changes...?


  1. It's so awesome that people are living longer and better these days. My 89-year-old grandmother still goes bowling every Monday! I also know of a 92-year-old woman who is a very talented writer, and a 105-year-old lady who is so tech-savvy that she checks her e-mail every day from her kids and grandkids.

  2. My wife belongs to a hiking club many members of which are in their mid to late seventies. They climb the hills so fast the wind can hardly keep up with them. Barring some awful disease there's no reason why people nowadays can't remain strong, active and bubbly long into "old age." The knowledge and the resources are there.

  3. Age is nothing but a number these days.

  4. Remember that age is an equal opportunity employer.

  5. @ Sabarina: what great examples! I have an uncle in his 90's who makes a living day trading online.
    @NP: how true it is! No one knows what "old" is these days; it sure isn't what it used to be.
    @Marc: how true.
    @Count Sneaky: so true, and so timely, thanks! :)

  6. LOL, that's the kinda senior I wanna be although maybe I will aim for a 15 minute mile, being able to swim like a goldfish and going to the gym once a week but only if there is absolutely nothing better to do! No comment on the fart front!

  7. You go girl! Sadly (for me), you're in better shape than I am, and I'm only 38. *sigh*

  8. Us baby boomers redefined youth and will redefine old age by being AGEless. No, we will not go gently into the night. Thanks for visiting the Boomer Muse :-)

  9. @ Discordia: you rock, girl. Any way that keeps the boogie in the babe.
    @Raven: I doubt I'm in better shape than any 38 year old, but thanks for the compliment!
    @Layla: SO TRUE. I think us baby boomers define just about eveything, and there is no doubt whatever that we will define the NEW life cycle. :)

  10. This is exactly why I go to yoga. Because of it, I'm often in better shape than the people around me, who are sometimes 20 and 30 years younger...

    Hmm. Maybe that just says something about the people around me. :-)


  11. Well, I can bench press one glass of wine (after that I am too tiddely to raise anything), I can walk a helluva long distance and run a short one rather slowly (depending on what's chasing me), I fart in public with impunity in loud noisy places (like casinos and rail stations) w/o the wicked smile because I usually stare at someone next to me with a disapproving look (no-one thinks it is me), the only way I can afford a face lift is for a really strong guy to pull my hair up REALLY hard, I do care what people think, but care more about what I think, and walk around with a wicked smile most of the time. People wonder what the hell I am thinking, to whit: Viva being my age and viva being me !!

  12. @Pearl: it does say something about the people around me. I am continualy astonished to find myself and other mature people in better shape than many youngstas.
    @LainRB: you're doing great. Now see if you can bench press two glasses of wine, and work on up from there. Viva indeed! :)