The world is crazier than most people know. But I know. I was a clinical social worker for forty years. I am a witness. I retired from social work to write about the sad, the mad, and the savage; with whom I have spent most of my life. I have decided to translate these stories into fiction, because, as a co-worker once said, "You couldn't make this sh*t up. No one would believe you."

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Plastic Surgery Rocks!

I believe in plastic surgery. It’s not for everyone, I realize that. But for those who want it, it’s the best thing since flush toilets.

I hear, “You shouldn’t tamper with nature,” and “You’re so vain,” and “You’ll look thirty years younger than your husband.”
  • Is there some reason we shouldn’t tamper with nature? If nature gives me cancer, you’d better believe I’m gonna tamper with nature.
  • Yes, I’m vain. I love beauty – in nature, art, my surroundings, and people. Most of the world does too. Those who don’t are lying or hopeless depressive pricks.
  • My husband? Why doesn’t he get a hair transplant and a facelift too?
I am sick of wrinkly old farts claiming there’s something wrong with vanity. We live in a vain world and vanity is rewarded with positive attention. No one volunteers to be unattractive. When they become so, their answer is to “accept it.” 

Now, why is that? It was okay to wrinkle and dry up when you were going to croak at 65 or 70. But if you’re going to live to 90….are you kidding me? At 90, most women:

  • Will have boobs that stretch to their waists
  • Will be bald
  • Will have so many wrinkles on their faces they could pass for a road atlas
  • Will try to get fat just to hold their skin up
  • Will be fog headed and fog hearted and not remember where they are or who they are because they don’t really care.
At 90, most men:
  • Will have such big bellies they will not have seen their feet in many years
  • Will be bald
  • Will be have heads that merge directly with their shoulders, skipping the neck entirely
  • Will have boobs bigger than most women
  • Will be fog headed and fog hearted and not remember where they are or who they are because they don’t really care.
You see, modern medicine makes us live longer, but not younger. We have a golden opportunity to look like hell for thirty years. 

Or... not. If a nip or a tuck or a snip or a suck can improve one’s physical appearance and pick up the spirits, I say go for it.


  1. People should use whatever options exist to make themselves feel good about being alive. If that means plastic surgery to someone, then plastic surgery it is.

  2. Hi there,
    I agree with you, although I would not have plastic surgery on myself.
    I know your interesting blog from Blog catalog, and I have followed on Google Friend Connect (No:45). Please follow back, thanks.

  3. I suppose if I could get someone to do a painting that I could store in my attic that aged FOR me, I wouldn't care about plastic surgery. But frankly I don't think that will/can happen. If you would not consider going out in wrinkled, ripped, unattractive, dirty clothes, why go out in wrinkled skin, saggy boobs, droopy tummy, etc.?? Making oneself appear at one's best has a long history with the human race: we shave underarms and legs, clip obtrusive nose hair and brows, use make up. Plastic surgery is ensuring one's best appearance. I hope I can afford it !!!!

  4. @NP, as ever, you have a wise, live and let live view of things
    @ multibrand: thanks for your open mind.
    @Lian RB: will someone do that painting for me? Well said, I would NOT go out in wrinkly clothes; why must I go out in wrinlly skin?