The world is crazier than most people know. But I know. I was a clinical social worker for forty years. I am a witness. I retired from social work to write about the sad, the mad, and the savage; with whom I have spent most of my life. I have decided to translate these stories into fiction, because, as a co-worker once said, "You couldn't make this sh*t up. No one would believe you."

Friday, August 26, 2011

Want To Live Longer? Quit Eating


Let's talk about calorie restriction. Since 1935, it has been a hot topic for research. Back then Dr. Clive McCay found that giving mice 30% less food than their brethren resulted in 40% longer lifespans. Then Dr. Roy Walford, a pathologist, dedicated his life to eating less in order to live longer. Sadly, we'll never know how that one turned out since he died of Lou Gehrig's in 2004.

But there's a lot of evidence that it works. Eat less, live longer.

Why?

Some years ago I read an article about a guy practicing calorie restriction. He looked like a concentration camp victim and had to carry a pillow with him at all times because his ass was so skinny he was sitting on his bones. Of this malady, he said, "No big deal." Is he kidding? Sitting on your ass bones just to live another few years? This is what it amounts to:

    when.
  • when you're hungry, forget about it.
  • when you're stressed, stay that way. No chocolate, no booze.
  • when they don't make clothes small enough for you, stay home and go naked. You won't have the energy to go anywhere anyhow.
  • when you obsess about food, think of those extra years you're gonna have...
  • ...sitting on your ass bones.
I would rather pluck my eyes out and eat them than practice calorie restriction. As a matter of fact, if I did calorie restriction, I probably would pluck my eyes out and eat them.
  • start with your hair, it's harder to swallow and keeps you busy longer.
  • move onto your fingers. Think of how much you'll save at the nail parlor.
  • toes...who needs 'em? Walk on your heels.
  • ....this could get pretty gross so I'll stop here.
Well, here's to the hunt for some other way to live longer. I'm still waiting for proof that chocolate does the trick. 

6 comments:

  1. Yeeeeh I could probably add a few years with less chocolate, wine, white clam sauce and spaghetti, ice cream and wine; but who'd want them? They would be years without the joy such indulgences bring. Phooey !

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  2. Haha, oh my word! That sounds insane... Starving yourself to live longer amounts to a life in torture. I'd rather live well for a shorter period of time than suffer for a longer one!!!

    I'm glad you stopped with the toes;)

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  3. Hi, Janey, I just popped in to say hello, great blog, congratulations!
    I'll follow you.
    You can visit mine if you feel like.
    Cheers from Argentina!
    Humberto.

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  4. @Lian: to (kinda) quote Groucho Marx: "calorie restriction doesn't make you live longer, it just seems that way."
    @Heart: I'm gad I stopped with the toes too!
    @Humberto: thanks for the follow, I will check out our block and come back atcha!

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  5. Just found this blog- love it!

    ReplyDelete