To be a Republican you have to be rich or stupid. So many people believe they are one or the other that the Party had to make up a qualifying test:
1. How much money do you have? If it’s less than 20 million, send it in.
2. Do you have a portfolio? (If you don’t understand this question, please go directly to the Tea Party subsection)
3. What kind of cars do you drive? Pick from the following (you’d better pick more than one!) a) Lexus b) Lamborghini c) Jaguar d) BMW with leather seats e) Cadillac (loaded only)
4. Describe your yacht.
5. How many facelifts has your wife had? a) one b) two or more c) I can’t remember, but her face is on top of her head
6. What size breast augmentation has your mistress had? a) D b) DD c) DDD e) they don’t make bras that big
8. How do you treat your staff? a) badly b) terribly d) I beat them at least once per week e) I don’t know, they’re all fired on a weekly basis
9. Do you believe that banking practices should be regulated? a) what are you, some kind of socialist creep? b) what are you, some kind of commie? c) you godless heathen! d) die, you filth; die and burn!!
10. Do you believe the rich and corporations should pay their fair share of taxes in America? a) !##@!!!*&^%! (there is no “b”)
TEA PARTY SUBSECTION (The rank and file)
- How much do you make? Send it in.
- Can you read? a) yes b) who the f*ck needs to read?
- Do you believe in a strong defense? a) yes b) yes! c) bet your ass I do!
- Do you believe in small government? a) yes b) yes! c) bet your ass I do!
- Do you care that these two notions taken together make no sense whatsoever? a) nope b) what are you, some kind of socialist creep?
- What did Jesus preach? a) kick the goddamned Jews outta the temple (outta the country) b) if you don’t follow Jesus, you’re a heathen dog c) kill Muslims d) Don’t let a n*gger become president. See what happens?
- Who do you love? a) Jesus b) my wife, sorta c) America, yessirree!
- Who do you hate? a) Jews b) Blacks c) Latinos d) liberals e) those intellectual assholes who think they’re better than me f) everyone
- How many guns do you have? a) one b) two 3) half dozen or more d) I can’t count that high
- Do you believe the rich and corporations should pay their fair share of taxes in America? a) !##@!!!*&^%! (there is no “b”)