Says Jane of the Jungle: "You'd better laugh or you'll croak too soon. Stay on the upside of the downside: don't be in a hurry to get old. Have adventures, behave badly, don't give a fart or a hurrah what the world thinks of you, and slide over the finish line with a sh*t eating grin."

Monday, May 30, 2011

Only Dead People Dress Their Age


She was maybe thirty-five, cute as a button. Trying on a pair of overalls in the dressing room of a department store and asks me, “Is this too kid-ish for me?”

It was a joke, right?  That’s not anti-aging, it’s pro-aging. Is there some cutoff point when you have to start dressing according to your age? What in God’s name would that look like, after 55?

  • House dresses with enough kleenex in the pockets to service an entire second grade class with the flu
  • Bedroom slippers that flop so loud dogs bark
  • Plastic purses full of more stuff than the Las Vegas city dump
  • Weird plaids that make you disappear in most landscapes
  • For women, pants beneath their bellies
  • For men, pants beneath their armpits
  • Strange shades of pink that startle the dead
  • Floral patterns that make children cry
  • Shapeless clothing into which you could fit yourself, six children, fifteen car bombs or three cases of cheap whiskey.
     The first person that tries to put me in a mumu will die painfully. I still

    Thursday, May 26, 2011


    Plastic Surgery Rocks!

    I believe in plastic surgery. It’s not for everyone, I realize that. But for those who want it, it’s the best thing since flush toilets.

    I hear, “You shouldn’t tamper with nature,” and “You’re so vain,” and “You’ll look thirty years younger than your husband.”
    • Is there some reason we shouldn’t tamper with nature? If nature gives me cancer, you’d better believe I’m gonna tamper with nature.
    • Yes, I’m vain. I love beauty – in nature, art, my surroundings, and people. Most of the world does too. Those who don’t are lying or hopeless depressive pricks.
    • My husband? Why doesn’t he get a hair transplant and a facelift too?
    I am sick of wrinkly old farts claiming there’s something wrong with vanity. We live in a vain world and vanity is rewarded with positive attention. No one volunteers to be unattractive. When they become so, their answer is to “accept it.” 

    Now, why is that? It was okay to wrinkle and dry up when you were going to croak at 65 or 70. But if you’re going to live to 90….are you kidding me? At 90, most women:

    Sunday, May 22, 2011

    Love and the Modern Life Span

    I may get killed for this post. But here goes:

    People live a long time, getting longer every day. Our children will probably live to be 125 or so. Most of us boomers, if we take care of ourselves, will live to 90 and beyond.

    So what happens to love, when you live so long? Is your true love still true after fifty years? Do you want to be married to the same person for 80 years? What if people change and grow, have more than one career, get into lifelong learning? Will they still be compatible? And should people marry in their twenties? That means being married to the same person for a hundred years.

    About half of all marriages end in divorce. We can blame
    our cultural narcissism, the “me” generation, lax sense of loyalty; and we would be right. But does time have something to do with it too?