The world is crazier than most people know. But I know. I was a clinical social worker for forty years. I am a witness. I retired from social work to write about the sad, the mad, and the savage; with whom I have spent most of my life. I have decided to translate these stories into fiction, because, as a co-worker once said, "You couldn't make this sh*t up. No one would believe you."

Friday, August 26, 2011

Want To Live Longer? Quit Eating

Let's talk about calorie restriction. Since 1935, it has been a hot topic for research. Back then Dr. Clive McCay found that giving mice 30% less food than their brethren resulted in 40% longer lifespans. Then Dr. Roy Walford, a pathologist, dedicated his life to eating less in order to live longer. Sadly, we'll never know how that one turned out since he died of Lou Gehrig's in 2004.

But there's a lot of evidence that it works. Eat less, live longer.


Some years ago I read an article about a guy practicing calorie restriction. He looked like a concentration camp victim and had to carry a pillow with him at all times because his ass was so skinny he was sitting on his bones. Of this malady, he said, "No big deal." Is he kidding? Sitting on your ass bones just to live another few years? This is what it amounts to:

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Tighten Up For Free!

Take some egg white and smear it on your face and neck. While it's still wet, brush/dab on your makeup. Presto! A little lift for the price of an egg.

Depending on your stress level, it lasts most of the day.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

This Ship Just Took a Wrong Turn

Two days ago I found out my house is worth less than what I paid for it. I was shocked. Just a year ago, it had a comfortable margin over what I owed. This is important, because I was counting on it for my retirement.

What to do, at my age? Maybe I will become Jane of the Jungle. Jane is a crafty gal who knew when she was beaten, and decided to fight her situation.  In her case, she won. In mine, who knows? But to be honest, who cares?

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." Thank you, Janis Joplin. Like so many middle class victims of Depression II, the Sequel, I am facing old age in poverty. I won’t have doodly squat for retirement. If the Tea Party has its way, I won’t even have social security. The law is no longer my friend, so perhaps it’s best to live, shall we say, outside the mainstream. 

How ‘bout that revamped motor home that runs on manure and hides in the woods? How ‘bout shoplifting as a way of life? How ‘bout grabbing a few veggies from the farmer’s field in the dark of night?

How ‘bout going over to the dark side? Because the light over here has gone out.

Damn, I guess I won’t get my facelift after all. But today I tried a sample facelift cream that irritates the skin and makes it plump up, and it looked pretty damn good. Combine that with the zero stress of not working, the zero stress of not paying taxes, the zero stress of being outside the predatory system….and I might just wind up with greatly improved skin tone.

Yee. Haw.

Friday, August 12, 2011

How to be poor and gorgeous:
1. Steal some eggs.
2. Separate the yolk from the white.
3. Eat the yolk. Never mind the cholesterol, it's good for you.
4. Whisk the egg white with some lemon juice and oil, and put it on your face.
5. Presto! a facelift!
6. But don't smile too broadly. I'm not sure if this shit cracks or not.