New research is finding some clues to longevity. Well…not a recipe, exactly; but characteristics associated with living to 100.
How do I stack up? Let’s see…
Clue #1: How many oldsters are there in your family?
· I don’t know; they’re all dead. (In fairness, many of them were in their 90’s)
Clue #2: How fast and how far can you walk?
· Depends who’s chasing me.
Clue 3: Do you have a lot of people in your life?
· Do bill collectors count?
Clue 4: Are you a woman?
· Hang on, let me check.Clue 5: (for women only) Did you have a child after 35?
· My kids were born when I was 37 and 39. Before that I was partying.
Clue 6: When were you born?
· I can’t remember. But the research says the younger you are, the longer you’ll live. No sh*t. (How much did we pay for this research?)
Clue 7: Do you worry, but not too much?
· Huh? Of course I worry. But then I forget about it. Like, what’s the point?
Clue 8: Is your weight normal? Or are you only slightly overweight?
· What’s normal? My weight is normal for me. I’m skinny with a big ass.
Clue 9: How long are your telomeres?
· Is this a dirty question? Anyway, who knows?
Clue 10: Are you a positive person?
· Well, I’m more positive than negative. This is because I’m imaginative. I see approaching doom, and change the channel.
So, how did I do? Let’s put it this way: if I live to 100, that’d be all right, but only under the following conditions:
- · I get a facelift.
- · I get a lotta money.
- · The world never runs out of beer.
- · Extremists find me boring.
That’ll do, yessiree!