The world is crazier than most people know. But I know. I was a clinical social worker for forty years. I am a witness. I retired from social work to write about the sad, the mad, and the savage; with whom I have spent most of my life. I have decided to translate these stories into fiction, because, as a co-worker once said, "You couldn't make this sh*t up. No one would believe you."

Monday, February 13, 2012

Check It Out: How Long Will I Live?

New research is finding some clues to longevity. Well…not a recipe, exactly; but characteristics associated with living to 100.

How do I stack up? Let’s see…

Clue #1: How many oldsters are there in your family?
·      I don’t know; they’re all dead. (In fairness, many of them were in their 90’s)
Clue #2:  How fast and how far can you walk?
·      Depends who’s chasing me.
           Clue 3: Do you have a lot of people in your life?
·      Do bill collectors count?
Clue 4:  Are you a woman?
·      Hang on, let me check.
Clue 5: (for women only) Did you have a child after 35?
·      My kids were born when I was 37 and 39. Before that I was partying.
Clue 6: When were you born?
·      I can’t remember. But the research says the younger you are, the longer you’ll live. No sh*t. (How much did we pay for this research?)
Clue 7: Do you worry, but not too much?
·      Huh? Of course I worry. But then I forget about it. Like, what’s the point?
Clue 8: Is your weight normal? Or are you only slightly overweight?
·      What’s normal? My weight is normal for me. I’m skinny with a big ass.
Clue 9: How long are your telomeres?
·      Is this a dirty question? Anyway, who knows?
Clue 10: Are you a positive person?
·      Well, I’m more positive than negative. This is because I’m imaginative. I see approaching doom, and change the channel.

So, how did I do? Let’s put it this way: if I live to 100, that’d be all right, but only under the following conditions:
  • ·      I get a facelift.
  • ·      I get a lotta money.
  • ·      The world never runs out of beer.
  • ·      Extremists find me boring.

 That’ll do, yessiree!


  1. I wonder did we pay for this research too? LOL

  2. Janey, you sure look different since your VIB membership got cancelled. Shows what stress and disappointment can do to a body.

  3. @Lisa: amen.
    @NP; Now that's just mean. :)

  4. Unless I am missing something...when you hit your 80's, life takes a major dip...dive...and often times, an aggressive plunge. Suddenly you are dropping soiled Depends on the carpet and cleaning your fingernails with a fork. I have no interest in sticking around for that. Sure, people say, "Just wait until you get there and see how you feel." Don't worry, I've seen too much and have no interest in putting my family through every bodily function and bad mood that arises. Prunes...lack of prunes...just say no to the drama. Only wish that society embraced the concept of ending life when it is time instead of dragging the squirrelly end out to every last death rattle. I have always felt that we are kinder to animals than to humans. But, I absolutely agree that until the end, we should be awash in beer...and keep the forks hidden.