The World Without Plastic Surgery

Good news: we're living longer. Bad news: we look like it. I know, I know; we're beautiful on the inside. But like the dude on the left, the outside can:

• cause traffic accidents
• make children cry
• make dogs bite
• cause birds to fly about shitting hysterically
• etc.   

What is worse, it can cause ugly old farts not to be taken seriously. You know what I'm saying. You're in line at the bank and some big dude cuts in front of you because he doesn't see you. You get up to the counter and the teller asks if she can help the person behind you. You have a complaint at the customer service desk and the worker hands you a form and tells you to fill it out and send it in. You give up trying to get a drink at the bar; what's the point?

The Whirl of Being a Girl

We can:

•      work an extra job to afford birth control
•      be sluts when we get it
•      decide we can't afford it
•      quit having sex
•      and who would the guys sleep with then????
•      maybe we shouldn't answer that one

When I was a kid, I was a tomboy. I wanted my mother to call me Bobby, and she did, so that I would go the f*ck to sleep.

When I was a teenager I was torn between wanting to be pretty and wanting to beat the shit out of something.

My Day Job Sucks

My day job sucks. Let me count the ways:

1. Phone call to parent. Parent says @!%##!
2. Phone call from parent. Parent says (*&!!%!
3. Phone call from kid. Kid says !!**&!!
4. Phone call to JPO. JPO says you gotta work with this !@$$!! family.
5. Phone call to priest. Leave a message. Help me!  !@#!!
6. Phone call from priest.  Go to h@!$!!

Sometimes you just can't win.

Smile, Be Happy

I just read that a positive attitude slows aging. What a revelation!

Seriously, the piece said that genes are interactive, and even if you have good genes you have to have a good attitude. How to do this?

• ·      Ignore your bank account
• ·      If you have a bank account
• ·      Ignore your mortgage
• ·      You can’t pay it anyhow
• ·      Ignore heat and cold.
• ·      Wherever you live, you can’t afford to get the house to a comfortable temperature.
• ·      If you have a house.

Okay, let’s get real. Is it possible to have a positive attitude in this economy? You betcha! The answer: